Sensitivity and Stressing about the Future (Again.)

Hi guys, welcome back to my blog!! I hope you have all had a lovely week, I have kind of had a mixed feelings kind of week. I am not going to lie to you guys, I have had so much on my plate since starting school on Monday that I forgot I had to write a post on Wednesday evening, so, here I am, on a Wednesday night at 11:07, writing a post. I actually had a really interesting post planned for this week but I want to do that when I have my full attention on writing.

I started school on Monday and, well, it’s been hectic to say the least. I was considering applying for head girl or a school officer but then I decided not to because honestly, the idea of being head girl really doesn’t appeal to me. I mean sure, it would look good on my personal statement for university and jobs and stuff but I really believe that if you just do the things you love or things that make you happy in life, then everything will fall into place at some point or another. 

That idea brings me onto another topic. University. I really want to study philosophy at university, just because I love the subject. Frankly, when I’m older, I don’t exactly know what I want to do, I mean sure, it would be nice to open up a small cafe with books and lots of plants but running a business has not much of a direct relation with a philosophy degree. I was speaking to some close friends of mine on Tuesday and they were asking me why I wanted to do a philosophy degree but not want to be a philosopher. Well firstly, I don’t really want to think of theories and write books on it, as fun as it may sound, I simply have other interests in life. They then asked me why I wouldn’t do a business degree or something closer to what I want to do in the future. I mean the answer to that is that a business degree simply sounds boring. Doing a degree in business sounds boring but running a business in something I am passionate about (feeding people and sending good energy through food) sounds much more appealing. I mean a business degree isn’t completely necessary to run a business and especially because I have grown up in a business family, I know the basic ropes and have received some very good skills through helping my Mum. I have no idea why but that conversation really had me overthinking my whole life non stop after it. It was awfully embarrassing because I just felt really confused as to why people didn’t understand that my only aims in life are to do the things I enjoy and take care of those around me. 

That gets me onto my next point, why does this sound like a debate omg I swear I’m just trying to let out some steam hahaha, I absolutely hate being such a sensitive person. I am good at shoving down my emotions but on Tuesday I just felt so lost and had a bit of a reality check that sometimes just doing the things you enjoy isn’t enough for the world we live in. I was on the brink of tears in my economics lesson and eventually had to leave because I couldn’t control it any longer. It was super awkward because it was our second lesson with a new teacher and he had to see me cry and ugh I had wished the world could swallow me up in that moment. 

I have never really understood why I am such a sensitive person but I always have been from a young age, maybe even since the day I was born. I get easily overstimulated with my emotions, other people’s emotions and sometimes even just things like the combination of bright lights and loud noise. I always see people on the spiritual side of instagram telling people to embrace their sensitivity but honestly, alongside being an empath, it feels like such a burden. I cannot stand involuntarily crying when there is a loud noise around me or when a person says something that’s hurtful but not even that bad. I think what I dislike the most about being sensitive is that people can get to me so easily. I never show it in front of others because I hate being vulnerable with people but even the smallest thing someone would say, it will always stick with me and although I don’t hold grudges or show meanness to people in regards to that, but, I always remember things and deep down it does make me upset. It allows people to walk all over me and I struggle to stand up for myself or my views.

However, I have had enough of the depressing talk, even after having that discussion with some of my friends and meeting a teacher in regards to applying to university, I’ve still decided that I am going to do philosophy because I like it and absolutely no other reason. I have also decided that I don’t care what other people think, whether they’re my teachers, friends, I would say family but they’ve always encouraged me to do what I love, but, you get the point. Some of my friends made me realise that university isn’t the end and that I don’t need to have my entire life figured out at the age of 17 and I’m really grateful to have those people in my life. I’m also grateful to the people who make me think of the other side of things because sometimes I do live in my own little world just expecting everything to be alright if I work hard and do the things I love. As much as I want that to be true, I feel like with the society we are in, sometimes hard work just isn’t enough. I was also talking to some girls in the year above me on the coach and they offered some really useful advice for school life and university in general. The essence of what they said was that most degrees aren’t vocational degrees, the whole point of going to university is to gain skills, not just knowledge of your subject.

On a way brighter note because I feel like this week and this post has been a bit intense, I started dance again after the holidays which was just the best. All I needed was a deep stretch and to let out all my feelings. Also, my contemporary class is really small, there is only one other girl with me and honestly she is the sweetest, it was really lovely seeing her again as well. Also, is it bad that I love the feeling of sore muscles? The painful but satisfying feeling is almost addictive, it just feels so good which sounds super odd so I’m going to stop right there.

Sorry for this post guys, it feels like it was more of a rant and just well dump of emotions and frankly, it was. I had a test this week and we had this assembly basically telling us we need to get work experience otherwise we will never get jobs and so this week has just been super rough but lacrosse, dance and this blog does help with that. I’ve also been considering changing my blogging platform. I have been looking into some other sites because I feel like my blog isn’t really reaching as many people as I’d like it to and honestly, as easy blogger is to use, it’s not really the best platform. Anyways, I have some Plato waiting for me so I hope you all have a wonderful week, love you guys <33