Emotions, Change and Dance

Hey guys, welcome back to my blog, I hope everyone has had a really wonderful week! I started school again on Monday after sleeping for 2 hours because our luggage took ages to arrive which was super frustrating but I've somewhat been on top of my work. I'm writing this on Wednesday so if I refer to today, I mean yesterday haha. I had interhouse lacrosse today and it was really fun playing with my house, we did really good and I'm super proud of everyone who played! This kind of leads me perfectly into what I wanted to talk about today.

I got home from school today and felt super nostalgic for some reason. I remembered that I had played with the same lacrosse team for 6 years and after this half term, I won't ever play with the year above me again. I just randomly started crying and it sounds really stupid but I feel like playing a sport with a team for so long really impacts you and the relationships you build with one another. While I've only been on the senior team for 2 years, it is still a long time and even though I sometimes feel a bit isolated because I'm the goalkeeper, I also feel really close with my team. There have been times where I have played really badly but I still get support from them and it feels different from the kind of support you get from parents watching a match or from other people because your team has seen you at times where you've been at your best and times where you've not played so well and they know you can play better but the fact they still give you words of encouragement just makes me feel so unbelievably happy. Also, I'm really going to miss playing with the year 13's because it kind of reminds me that I still have a while till we are the eldest in the school and we still have time till we leave and go our own ways and start a new part in our life. Them leaving makes us the oldest in the team and I just don't think I'm ready to accept that. I'm not really concerned about that part because I know I will stay in touch with my close friends but it's more the really random things like seeing people who you don't really talk to but still smiling at them in the hallways or that odd wave you do to someone on your team who you aren't that close to but they still put a smile on your face.

The reason I found that crying over this was such a coincidence was because in dance today, my teacher started off with a bit of an emotional talk about change and moving on from things. My class consists of me and another girl who I am really good friends with and the song we are currently dancing to is 'To Build A Home' by The Cinematic Orchestra. The song is just really intense and it is essentially about how things change but you will always have your home and sometimes, even though you don't want to leave it, you have to and you have to build a new home or find new people who you consider as your home because nothing in life is permanent. I feel like dancing to a song just makes it so much more personal to you, it gives the song a new meaning and especially such an expressive dance form like contemporary, it just makes me feel so present in the dance. You can see why dance made me ponder about change and not even leaving friends but leaving those few people who make such a big impact on your life without even knowing it. Also, since it is just me and my friend in my class, we have become extremely close. She's a year younger than me so thinking about how next year I might never dance with her again makes me feel even more upset and makes the duet so much more meaningful. Also, my friend and I have both agreed that we are both going to end up crying after performing this on stage because if we don't, we didn't do the dance justice.

I really love that things in life are impermanent because I love change, I love experiencing and learning new things and I want to keep on doing that. In order for me to do that to its full potential, I need change. The thing I hate about change is that sometimes, you just are so content in life. Things are going so well and you have a routine which you have followed for a long time. I also easily form attachments with people and while I can just as easily cut people off, nobody ever does anything that bad where I've needed to do it that many times. I feel like I try and push down a lot of my feelings when it comes to change and just go with an 'it is what it is' attitude which works for a while but then eventually leads to a moment like this where I can't stop crying over stupid things.

The reality is, things are always going to change. Especially at certain points in your life when you hit 'milestones' like starting sixth form or leaving a dance studio. Things are always going to come to an end because whatever is once started will also end. That's just how life is. As much as I may want a certain thing to carry on forever, it won't and I know it sounds like I'm being quite negative but I'm actually being the opposite. When things change, it's because you are growing as a person and that better things are in store for you. It's because we work so hard in day to day life (hard work looks different for different people), it is expected that things change because we simply outgrow our old life. This doesn't mean you completely abandon everything in relation to it. It's funny because today in economics, my teacher was telling us about how after his economics A-Level, he insisted on getting a curry with his teacher and to this date, he is still friends with his teacher. My dance teacher was also telling us about how she may be moving in the same area as her childhood best friend. Things change but the things that change are usually the things that no longer serve us and whatever is meant to stay the same will stay the same or find some sort of way to come back into your life. That's just because it's how the universe works, sometimes we just have to have a bit of faith in it.

I hope you guys enjoyed this week's post, I am absolutely sobbing right now and I don't know if this post was more about convincing others that change is good or convincing myself. Sometimes I feel like I always need to be grown up and mature about things but I'm literally a teenager and I always need that little reminder from people that it's ok to be a bit moody sometimes or a bit like a 'teenager' or even that it's ok to not always be ok. I hope this has inspired you to have a different outlook on change and also just expressing your emotions in general (highly recommend dance!!). See you next week, love you guys <33