Just Life (Very Vulnerable and Open)

Hey guys, I would like to start off with apologising for not posting last week without any sort of warning. The reality is, I was just not doing the best. This post is going to be very open and vulnerable so if you're going to be one to judge or be unkind then I suggest you leave right now.

For the past three weeks or so, I have just been feeling down. Sixth form has been a rollercoaster but I've not felt this bad since sixth form started and I have also been feeling really stuck. It's like I've been trying to climb out of the state I'm in but constantly slipping back in because in a way, it's more comforting to feel this way than anything else because it's all I've felt for a long time. I don't really know how I feel but honestly I've just not been myself. I have been feeling really empty and emotionless but simultaneously having really bad breakdowns for no reason to the point my parents have had to take care of me like a baby.

My exams ended last Monday and I thought that this feeling would've gone away because I was just stressed for my exams. The fact I'm writing this tells you it has very much not changed. If anything, I have just been feeling so much worse. Getting back exams which I studied hours for but not getting good grades in is just disappointing and facing your teachers after it feels embarrassing. We have also been getting UCAS grades which honestly have been the only thing that has been fine. I have been predicted high grades yet somehow I feel as though I do not deserve them. I study for hours and hours and work incredibly hard yet I still have a bit of an imposter syndrome which always makes me feel like I'm not good enough and even when I get good things in life, I am not worthy of them.

I think part of the reason behind this is because of everyone around me. I mean I'm not blaming anyone for anything as it is still my fault for not taking care of myself but everyone has been very stressed and tense and down in the dumps. These past few weeks, I have helped more people with breakdowns and crying moments than I have maybe in the past two years put together. We all know I'm extremely sensitive and empathetic (again, a blessing and a curse but a curse most of the time) so I quickly absorbed this energy and pushed it down so I didn't have to express emotions. It all bottled up and I quickly found myself in the position of those who I was helping. 

I never really ever open up about my breakdowns and nor do I ever really have any intention to so I always try to make sure I'm my usual smiley self in school and making sure everyone around me is alright because somehow fixing other people's problems makes me feel a bit better about myself. I'm pretty sure some of my friends have noticed a few changes in me though because of random things I do or say. I have quite frankly just been feeling very empty inside and have resorted to eating like four bowls of emotional support cereal a day.

I would also just like to say that your mental health is also very physical. (TW. food talk) When I at my lowest, I could barely get myself to eat a single meal without throwing up, this was probably due to stress or something. I think over two weeks I ate maybe two meals that I didn't throw up immediately after because my body was almost on a constant fight or flight mode. I'm suffering the aftermath of that now because my throat is really bad as a result and I am also feeling very weak. I can barely stay awake the whole day, although the overbearingly hot weather could also have played a role in that.

I think it's really important that things like this is spoken about more often. Obviously I do not wish anything like this upon anyone but awareness is something that everyone should have because if things like taking care of ourselves and taking a break got more normalised instead of working till burnout to seem 'productive' then many people would have improved mental health and just a better life really.

On a brighter note, there is this really nice charity shop near my school which only sells books and recently I have been HITTING THE JACKPOT. I managed to get a super chunky book for £2.99 and it goes super in depth with every single day in the year giving an astrology and personality analysis and it also gives tarot messages which really fits in with all my spiritual obsessions. I also got some really good philosophy books which normally would've been quite expensive so I'm really excited for school to end so I can sit and read them in peace. 

Dance has also been going really well, as always. It's literally just what I need every few days in order to keep me active. It's also just a really good emotional outlet. It has a way of expressing emotion while also helping you stay flexible and strong. It's so unique in that sense I just sometimes sit and think about how insane dance is for allowing me to push my body to perform pieces of art but also allows me to free myself from all worldly thoughts. 

Continuing on the topic of sport, we have been playing a lot of rounders in school and I can't lie and say it doesn't boost my ego. I feel like sports is my 'thing' and so I tend to be pretty good at sports, even if it's picking up a new sport. Anyways, the ultimate compliment anyone can ever get is when the opposing team looks at you in the batting box and tells their fielders to stand further back because they know you'll hit the ball really far. About 99% of the time I do end up hitting the ball really far which means I could probably walk around the pitch and still score a rounder but sometimes I like to do a cheeky little hit where the ball doesn't go very far. It confuses everyone and by the time people run to the middle to get the ball, I end up running the whole way around. If you don't understand rounders then that must've been very confusing to read.

I hope this post wasn't too overbearing for anyone, I understand it got quite intense at times. I have been seeing some universities recently so I'll update you guys with all of that at some point as well. It feels so good to have written out my feelings a bit seeing as these past few weeks of my life have quite possibly been the worst. I am hoping to get back to writing some more intellectual, thought provoking, philosophical content when I can fully get back on both of my feet but at the moment you may have to bear with random posts about me venting. I hope to see you next week, love you guys <33