Thoughts About Going Back To School (For the Last Time Ever)

Hello my loves!! I am so sorry I wasn't able to upload a post last week, my family and I went to Scotland for a few days and we got back a day before an economics exam that I had to sit so there was a lot of cramming and I completely forgot that I had to write a post. I just thought I should write something a bit easy on the mind today seeing as most people start school this week and nobody (apart from me of course) would want to deal with a post questioning consciousness.

I thought I'd start off with a quick background of my school life and where I am in my education journey. I am going into year 13 (for those abroad, this is the last year of school before university) which means I have a very stressful year ahead of me. I am studying 4 A-Levels and they are mathematics, economics, RS (philosophy and ethics) and psychology and I look forward to studying philosophy at university next year. My predicted grades are quite high and I can apply to all 5 universities I have been looking at which is exciting but I can't help feeling so much self doubt and the idea that I don't deserve good grades. I don't know why I feel this way because I have worked harder than ever over the past year yet I still don't really feel good enough to apply to my dream university. I think I've been going through different phases in terms of applying to universities and these are the 'I have nothing to lose so I may as well apply' phase, the 'I think I should drop out of school and become a yoga teacher in an Ashram in India' phase or the 'I have worked hard and am worthy of going to a good university' phase. I know this post seems like a big old rant at the moment but it is something that I, alongside many others, go through when making big decisions in their life and I think it's important to just remind yourself that whatever happens will be right for you and you will flourish wherever you are. 

Aside from the university rant, I am feeling bittersweet about lacrosse this year because it's my last year playing for my school and I've just been feeling really nostalgic. I remember the days when it made no difference whether I was in the goal because I couldn't save anything for the life of me and now I have been competing to such a high level and managed to win awards for my playing. It's just crazy to see mine and my team's development and I can't wait to continue playing at an even further level through university. 

In school I applied to be a prefect and managed to get the role which is really exciting. There are two other girls who work with me to look after a year 7 form group and if I've never mentioned it before, I really love children. Having grown up as the eldest sister out of 3, I think I have a pretty good idea as to how to deal with younger children and helping them adjust to a new surrounding. I am really excited to be there for them as an older sister, a friend or whatever they want to consider me as. I met a lot of the year 7s last Friday and honestly they were just the sweetest, they really looked up to me and my friends and it kind of made me remember that my younger self also did that to the older girls in my school. I guess seeing the way they had so much faith in us helped me realise that I should do anything I can to make my younger self proud of myself because through doing that, I'm also inspiring many more young girls who may doubt themselves or have low self confidence.

Friends wise, I am doing better than ever. I am eternally grateful to have such a supportive and loving friend group, even if it is a bit small. I have drifted from a few people who I really thought I would be best friends with for all of my life and it makes me really upset, like a part of me almost left with them. I mean nothing ended on bad terms with anyone and I wish everyone the best for the future but a small part of me can't stop myself from thinking that I did something wrong. 

I don't want to end this post on a bad note so I just thought I'd pop in the fact that I finally managed to get the confidence to book driving lessons. I've only had a few lessons so far but they're going really well. I think I will become less anxious as I practice more so I have faith in myself that I'll pick it up quite fast. I am learning on a manual car, just in case I decide to run away to the South of Italy and become a pizza chef and drive a pink Volkswagen Beetle from the 60's. I hope you enjoyed this week's post, see you next week!! Love you guys <33