Writer's Block/Imposter Syndrome/Sports

Hey everyone, welcome back to my blog. I am writing this on Wednesday,  it is currently 11:45 and I've been trying to do this for the past hour and a half. I have rewritten the title, intro and even some of the post at least four times but no matter what I write, it just doesn't seem to work. It's stupid but I thought I might write about writer's block because hopefully if I start writing about it, I can somehow get over it.

As someone who wants to become a philosopher, it seems very ironic that I would face this problem in the first place. Writer's block (for those of you who don't know) is when you struggle to think about what to write or how to go about writing what you have in mind. At the moment, I seem to have so many things going on in my head at the same time to the point where I kind of just block it all out and I guess that's why I don't know what to write about.

Is this post going to be an entire waste of your time and provide absolutely no intellectual stimulation? Yes, yes it is. I may as well write about how my life is going at the moment because I don't really know how I would put my current existential crisis in words.

Life is tiring and I don't really know what I'm doing. I mean does anyone ever really know what they're doing? I could even go into the question of do we actually know anything, but, I think I might save that for a day when I'm not feeling so delirious due to excessive sleep deprivation. I have received three university offers which is insane, I am still waiting back to hear from my final two universities but I literally cannot believe that universities want me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my offers because no matter how hard I work, it never feels like enough. I don't really know what 'enough' is even meant to be because nobody around me pressurises me as such and somehow I've just taken on an unnecessary burden to be perfect at everything. Now, you must be thinking 'I thought this idiot got over the perfection problems like twenty posts ago?' Well, surprise!! I actually haven't and I don't really know what to do about it.

I can't stop comparing myself to unrealistic standards that are unattainable if you're doing as many things as I force myself to do at once. I really do enjoy everything I do which makes it harder for me to form boundaries between what is a healthy amount to do and what is not. I haven't told very many people, aside from my close friends, that I have got offers because I'm scared that people will judge me or think that I'm showing off and it would probably make my painfully self hating thoughts even worse. Let's swiftly move on before this gets overly deep and so I can have some sort of dignity left on the internet.

Dance recently has not been a vibe. We have a HUGE showcase this Sunday and I really don't like the dance we are learning for it. I have endlessly tried to remember the choreography but for some reason, unlike other dances, it just won't stick. It's really embarrassing because if I mess up on stage in front of hundreds of people will genuinely be my final straw. It's just another mad thing weighing on my mind, the minute Sunday is over, I will feel an immense weight being lifted off my chest. Actually, I'd probably feel a weight being lifted off my back because my shoulders and upper body is so sore from being tense all the time.

Lacrosse on the other hand, has been much better. I have played a few matches and they've all been pretty good, aside from one goal that bounced off my leg and went in my own goal (I WILL NEVER LIVE THAT DOWN). Lacrosse today was just so fun, I was the only goalie at training so I had to do the regular people warmups and stuff but I kind of enjoyed it. Then, I was just doing my thing in goal. I didn't save many goals at the start as normal but then I was on a streak and I just felt so happy. I did get hit on the head at least five times but the injuries I get from lacrosse is worth it because I love being a member of the team who everyone can rely on and feel almost relieved knowing I'm there.

Could I say my writer's block has gone? To some extent, yes. I was able to write coherent sentences and potentially not let you guys fall asleep during this post. Hopefully I will be back with a more interesting, philosophical, topic next week but sometimes you just need to vent out everything to make sense of your life so this was actually very useful to me. I haven't even written about a tenth of what's going on because I fear that if I start writing, I'll end up giving you guys a thesis to read and it wouldn't be very interesting (aside from all the crazy psychological experiments I'd want to run that definitely breach ethical guidelines). I hope you enjoyed this wreck of a post and I hope you have a good day and week ahead!! I'll be back next week to update you guys with how the dance showcase went, love you guys <33